Sunday, May 30, 2010

Ramblings

I didn't talk to her last night. I was up, again, half the night. Maybe the chastity cage would not be so bad if I wasn't in a state of constant sexual arousal.

Maybe.

I didn't talk to her last night, rare, we usually talk before bed.

She did text me, though.

"Love you."

I texted her back, but she didn't answer after that.

We did talk, for about two minutes this morning. Nothing much, no discussion about last night.

"I'll tell you about it when I get home," she said.

"Did you..."

"When I get home, lover," she said.

"Okay."

"You okay, Sara?"

"Yea."

"Seriously."

"Yes, seriously. I'm kind of sore, but it's tolerable."

"You're thinking about me, I like that."

"I am, all day, all night."

"I like that, too."

"I know."

"Did you..."

"Monday, hon, Monday. You'd rather hear about it when I'm there on top of you, wouldn't you? After I unlock that? Not now."

"Yea."

"You'd rather spend today and tomorrow thinking about what might have happened, than hear now."

"I suppose."

"Yes. Listen, he's getting out of the shower, I have to run, we're going to breakfast."

"K. Love you, Em, seriously, no matter what."

"Me too, hon, love you too."

I got to thinking. Maybe I have the best of everything. I'm still not sure if I like the fantasy or the reality. I don't know if she slept with him last year, but I tend to think not.

Certainly don't know if she did this year, but again, I don't know if I want her to or if I just want to fantasize about it.

I read blogs, stories, women with "fuck buddies." Women who date. Women who don't sleep with their husbands, etc.

I don't want that. Fuck, I love that woman more than anyone ever. She's my best fucking friend in the whole world.

I don't want her to date. How the fuck does that work. I honestly understand the fantasy. I don't get the reality.

Maybe I have the best of everything. She's gone to see him twice, both Memorial Day weekends the last two years. He came to visit once.

Evan really was (is) her good friend, she knew him for years before she met me. They did not date, though I know he chased her, screwed her.

Maybe this is best. A once a year get away for her, a once a year fantasy for me, played upon now and then throughout the year.

I could never handle her dating. Have no idea how men do that, save for fantasy.

This, I can deal with. She's mine. All year. In a way I own her as much as she owns me. She's mine, I'm hers.

He has no claim on her emotions.

They belong to me.

Only me.

At most, he's a fantasy, a fling, something safe.

At most.

At most, he's a fuck, nothing more.

At most.

He may be less. Just a friend she likes to visit now and then, to get wined and dined and catch up and do nothing more than be friends.

I don't know. May not know.

She may fuck him and tell me she doesn't, but tease me that she does.

She may do nothing and tell me she does, to indulge in my fantasies.

Regardless, if she does, it is as "safe" as this can get. He's too far away to have an affair with, she loves me too much to do anything to hurt me.

Fuck, she loves me. A feminine boy, a sissy, a girlfriend, a lover.

She's mine.

I'm hers.

He has no claim on her, even if he fucked her.

Don't know.

I don't know.

She may have.

She may not have.

Either way, the fantasy works for me.

Even in this stupid cage that has kept me aroused for the whole weekend.

Don't expect an update on this tomorrow. I'm hers tomorrow, not you all.

I'll update this week though, just not tomorrow.

4 comments:

  1. darling, it is wondweful that you have shared this with us, i am sure that i speak for all your readers when i say that we are all extremely grateful for you sharing in this way.Emily sounds a really lovely and gentle person, and you clearly have a very deep love for eachother. Try to be open minded about the future from here. Emily may well have developed a physical bond with Evan this weekend that she may want to explore more deeply, with your loving consent and support. Even if that means her dating him, it needn't be a threat to what you and Emily have together, but could be complimentary. I hope you both have a wonderful day together tomorrow. Please do post as much as you can later. All our love and thoughts

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  2. Finally, a bit of sanity. Why would you want to share this woman with anyone. If she is thinking about you while visiting him then I doubt she would have sex with him. It is just too dangerous to the relationship she has with you and she knows how painful it would be for you. You are worth keeping. You really need to think about where you want your relationship to go and perhaps it is time to be honest about fantasy and reality. Wanting her to be happy and serving her does not mean pushing her into your fantasies. Perhaps one of you needs to propose something more permanent.

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  3. Oh, no!
    Does this means that we should have to bite our nails furthermore?

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  4. you all

    sounds like our Sara is a southern girl

    :)

    ReplyDelete