Saturday, May 29, 2010

Something and Nothing

Do you need to know? Need to know like I did?

She called me last night, late. I was in bed, sleeping fitfully, little.

I was in bed thinking about her. Tired, trying to let the darkness take me.

I was in bed, a boy, wearing pretty lingerie.

A sissy.

I was in bed, wanting to do only one thing, the one thing I could not do.

I was in bed, wishing I could fantasize about Emily, about him, touch myself, pleasure myself, orgasm, the fantasy.

But I could not. No, she, we, made sure of that.

So I was in bed doing only half, the fantasizing.

The cage was no fun.

Yet it was the most fascinating thing, just the same.

She called after one.

I was awake, waiting, trying to sleep.

"Hello," my voice trembled.

"Hey," she mumbled, lazily.

"It...it's late," I said, voice catching. Surely this meant....

"Yea," she said.

"You...did you..." The mild discomfort was escalating, horrifying, thrilling.

"You've been thinking about it all night?"

"Yes."

She giggled, teasing me. "I've been thinking about you, Sara, thinking about me."

"Em..."

"Sore?"

"Yea."

"I've been thinking about that, too."

"Em...did...did you?"

"No, not tonight."

Not tonight.

"We had dinner, drank some, not too much. I was tired, got ready for bed, said goodnight."

"Oh," I said, shocked at the disappointment in my voice.

"Yea. Sorry I called so late, though, he came in to say goodnight, we got to talking again, we just kind of laid here, talking."

The pressure had been going down, started back, immediately. My hand was on myself, useless, but there, touching, feelingless through the plastic.

"In...in bed."

"Yea," she whispered. "I...I felt guilty, a little. I...I didn't think he'd be coming into my room, I...I'm wearing the white babydoll...I wanted to sleep in it, thinking of you."

"Em," I said, breath coming rapidly.

"Yea, he sounded like that, too. He apologized, said he would see me in the morning. I told him it was okay, he could come tuck me in. Men. It was hard for him to leave once he started looking at me, men are so visual."

"Fuck, Em, fuck."

"Take off your shirt."

"Shirt? I...I'm not wearing a shirt, Em, a cam and tap panty, the lilac one."

"No, no, not you, sweetie. Him. I told him to take off his shirt. To be fair, to make him more comfortable. I told him, if I'm half naked, you might as well be, too."

I sighed, sore, wanting nothing that instant that for her to stop talking and for me to be free so I could just masturbate.

"He's so different than you, Sara. Strong, masculine. You're so much prettier, he's just different. I love you so much, I'm so turned on by you, but..."

"Emily," I whimpered.

"We just talked, Sara, just talked."

"Em..." I was having the most frustrating phone sex ever, unable to do anything, just teased.

"It's really pretty, he told me, he liked baby doll. I knew he would."

"Emily," I groaned, feeling foolish that all I could do was keep repeating her name.

"I love you, Sara."

"Me, too, Em."

"I wanted to touch his chest, Sara, just feel it. I wanted to kiss it, funny, I did not want to kiss him, just his chest."

"Please, Emily," I shifted uncomfortably on the bed.

"It's frustrating."

"Yes, I can't touch..."

"No, not that. I mean, I know, you, but frustrating for me. I wanted to, yet did not want to. I wanted...I wanted him to reach up and touch me, fuck, my breast was up against his arm, I wanted him to reach up, touch it, yet, still, I was thinking about you, dreaming about you."

"Emily, you...you can..."

"I know. Listen, I'm tired."

"Okay."

"Sleep well."

"Not likely, Em, not likely."

"Yea, I know. I can't wait to see you Monday."

"Are you going to...tomorrow...are you..."

She chuckled. "We'll see, lover."

I did not sleep well. I woke up at 4, 5:30, and 6:30.

I regret having this thing on me.

But I'm sooooo glad it is. I can't stop thinking, now, especially, picturing her getting dressed to go out tonight, picturing her in her lingerie, next to him, casually touching him. Oh, fuck, I'm sooooo frustrated.

So frustrated.

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