Monday, January 20, 2014

He knows

“He knows.”
I looked over at Emily, we were sitting on the couch yesterday morning reading the paper, drinking coffee. “Who? Knows what?”
“Jeff…” She looked at me, bit her lip, “he…he knows you know.”
“How?” My heart beat faster, I didn’t know why, but it did. “He knows?”
“It’s funny,” she giggled, “those are the words…we had lunch Friday…I wasn’t sure how to tell you…”
“What do you mean those are the words he used,” I asked.
“That’s what he said to me…’he knows’ doesn’t he. Meaning you.”
She giggled again. “Sorry, that’s what I said…’what’? We were talking about something, I mentioned where you and I were going Friday night and he just sat back with a sly smile and said ‘he knows, doesn’t he.’”
“What did you say,” I asked.
“What could I say, I evaded the question.”

“Jeff, why…why would you think that?”
“The way you smile when you talk about him, Emily, the way you seem so happy. How nervous you were on New Years Eve.”
“Women usually have affairs when they’re unhappy. Or drifted apart. Or are bored. You don’t seem to be any of those.”
“Jeff, I…”
“He knows, doesn’t he?”

“What did you say,” I asked, mouth dry.
“My god! What…what did he say?”

“He knew before?”
“Jeff, please, you…you don’t understand, we…”
“Don’t understand? Oh, Emily, of course I understand, you think I’m that unsophisticated? You think I don’t feel it too?”
“Feel what?”
“Do you know why I like fucking married women, Emily?”

“Fuck, Em!”
“Sorry, he’s so…direct…there was no one around, though.”

“I understand what a married woman wants…sex…she doesn’t want a relationship…nor do I…she doesn’t want drama…nor do I. She wants what I want. Sex. Sex is on her mind. Sex is the goal. But there’s more, too. I’m a dominant person, Emily, obviously, and it’s empowering to have a woman, a married woman, offer herself to me, a woman who’s normally off limits. There’s something so erotic, so appealing to me to be with a woman who ‘belongs’ to someone else.”

I just stared at her…that’s the opposite of what I feel. Or perhaps the other side of the same coin.

“Jeff, I…I love him…very much.”
“Of course you do, that’s as obvious as anything. But it doesn’t change the fact that he knows. Or that he enjoys it, too.”

“You told him I like it, Emily?” 
“Told him? I didn’t have to tell him…he…he knows. I mean…he knows.”
“What did you say? Fuck. What did he say?”
“He…I…he said to tell you he knows.”
“That’s it? Em! Does he know that…that…” I looked down at the neglige I was wearing, the swell of the breastforms.
“Yes, that…that’s it. He just said to tell you he knows…that you should know he knows. And no,” she pointed at me, “I didn’t tell him about that!”
“What does he want? Are you…does he want…”
“I…I don’t know…he…he didn’t say.”
And suddenly the ground shifted. I knew what Emily wanted, the same thing I wanted. I think. But did he want that, too? And if not, what did he want? Fuck, life isn’t the stories I write, it’s…different. It’s real. It’s confusing. It’s powerful. 


Except he has the power. But then, he’s the alpha male, not me.

“Emily, do you…do you want to…see him again.”
“Yes, but…but not if you…”
“He knows,” I interrupted her.
I was overcome, leaned into her, kissed her, deeply, deeply.
He knows. He knows. He knows.


  1. I have never met you but have read all your posts for years and yet i still read that with a gutwrenching mix on jealousy and eroticism. Good luck Sara!

  2. Umm, for me, you've kind of moved past the point of belief here. But I still enjoy the posts.

  3. Delicious. What you have is special, thank you for sharing.

  4. Sara, granted you and Emily have to make up your own rules for your relationship. However, from my extensive background as a cuckold, I don't think I would have liked finding out on Sunday that she had lunch with him on Friday. The time to be informed of that was on Friday! If I remember correctly, she works with him which is also usually a bad idea. As I say, you have to make up your own rules but one of ours has always been I know who she's with at all times. Please don't think I'm being critical because I'm not. I'm really just saying this out of concern for both of you.