Monday, January 27, 2014

Healthy Talk

We had a long talk this weekend, again, about us. About him. We commented that it's almost humorous to hear what the other likes. But just the same, it was healthy to talk about concerns, too.

My biggest concern? I suppose the ultimate fear, the ultimate risk, that she'll fall out of love with me, or just as bad, fall in love with him (or anyone else.)

Ironically, her biggest concern? That I would become jealous, not just erotic jealous, but real jealous, that I would see what she was doing as betrayal, reject her, leave her.

It's funny, my deepest desire is to serve her, to forego my genetic gender, to be feminized to free myself from male behavior patterns. But to remain her best friend, her companion, her soul-mate. She knows this, this is what I told her. I deeply want to be her sissy and could never go back.

She agreed, too. She could never see me as a man, even if she once did, or tried to. She can never see me in that role, again, as much as I don't want it.

To us, to both of us, cuckolding wasn't just a fantasy I had, it seemed a natural progression, even an inevitable progression. It's as mental a turn on for her as it is for me. It's not just the physical pleasure of sex with a man (though there's that). It's not just here desire to, from time to time, take on the traditional female role (though there's that). It's not just the turn-on she has being with an alpha man (though there's that).

It's that cuckolding enhances my feminization. It's that cuckolding enhances the strange roles we prefer with one another. Being with a man actually makes her feel more assertive with me, more dominant, happy to experience sex and intimacy with me in a way she'd never seek with a man.

It's not that we don't like intercourse with one another, it's that there's a strange dynamic when we do that, a pressure I feel, one she senses. On the rare occasions we have "normal" sex, I feel this pressure to act like a man and I hate it. I mean, I like the physical feeling of being inside her, but not the mental pressure of performing the role.

If we're going to continue with this, something be both admitted we want, wee questioned whether Jeff is the right man. Certainly, from an excitement perspective, yes. Her interactions with him actually have caused us to become more intimate with one another, more passionate.

That mollifies a concern—cuckolding is not cheating, it is supposed to enhance our marriage, not undermine it. Cuckolding is not infidelity. If it were either, it would destroy us. We talked about what was in her heart. If she didn't love me, this would be wrong. If she was missing something I could and should provide, this would be wrong.

The dividing line is cuckolding a part of our relationship versus straight out cheating. We both realize we're kind of inexperienced in this, that we have to be careful, that us, our relationship, is what is at the heart of cuckolding and what's at stake, too. We both know this has to be mutual, we both have to want it, we both have to want it to continue. And we both have to be open and honest. Totally open and honest.

Which brought us back to Jeff? Is he right person? Ultimately, probably not. He is or was the right person for now, but we don't think he's the right person in the long run, not while working with her. Too close, too close to our vanilla life, working with her. Evan is probably better as an occasional lover, someone not connected to our "real" lives better as a more long term relationship. He has the right mental attitude—he doesn't want to fall in love and marry—but he's too close if things go bad.

She asked me if what she did was a mistake, if what we did was a mistake. We concluded not. Well, maybe, but probably not. We don't regret it. But it's not going to continue with him, not as a long-term partner, anyway.

As an ending note to this post, realize I don't post everything we do or talk about. Sometimes I don't have the time, sometimes I pour my emotions into my fictional writing. Sometimes I just don't want to go into it. But I appreciate all the comments, support, and warnings, positive and negative, because I love all my readers and think you all have my best interests at heart.

Oh, and after our talk? We went to bed and kissed for what seemed like hours  Just like girls. :)


5 comments:

  1. What a wonderful message to post! Thank you so much for it!

    xoxoxo

    Christine

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  2. Good for both of you Sara. Communication is essential.

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  3. Hi Sara

    Another amazing peek into a very special relationship...thanks so much for sharing. BTW, I recently completed my "SD" collection by purchasing and enjoying "He's the Bride". Hope you have something new bubbling around you're fertile little imagination... ;D.

    Love, Wendy

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  4. Hi Sara,

    As other have already said what a wonderful post and it is so good to hear you and Emily communicating so well together and enjoying the pleasure you both derive from each other and another. It is so refreshing to hear you both being so open and honest with one another, many a couple, irrespective of their sexual orientation or genders, could learn a great deal from you both.

    Wishing you continued fun on your journey together.

    p
    x

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  5. Hi Sara,
    I so enjoy reading about your life with Emily. The fact that you are so close and open with each other is great.
    As long as you stay close and committed, that says everything.
    May I make 2 small pieces of advice that I learnt from Andrea, who helped Leeanne with her cheerleader :

    1. Is there any chance of you joining in with Emily and her lovers ??
    2. To prevent Emily getting "attached " to any particular lover, maybe she should have more than one ??

    Love Tanya xxxxx

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